ramblings...part2

I forgot to mention.. Nathan does not really make friends easy. He has a handful of friends from high school that we get together with a few times a year. It's hard 'cause none of them live near by. So, it's like Nathan has not really made new good friends since then, so I feel like he relies on me for that. I can't be his only friend, nor can I find friends for him, so that makes things really hard. I feel like whenever someone stops by, mostly my girlfriends in and out...(you know how I am, ladies ;) ), I can tell Nathan yearns to talk to someone, and he really enjoys it. He would love to have someone over for dinner probably 4 nights a week for company. But, financially, and work wise, for me, we can not do it more than a couple of times a month, which we try to do. I feel like it's not enough for Nathan, though. Anyway, I just forgot to put that in my last post. I do not know for sure, but I think that it makes a difference in our relationship! Oh my gosh, once I have started talking, I can't seem to shut up!!!

Random Ramblings

Ok, here's the thing. Lisa--I appreciate your suggestion about taking the kids to my parents, but they are currently not talking to me,(my parents, not my kids ;) ) so that won't work. Long story short, about a month ago, I had asked them to please respect us as Connor and Briana's parents, and I have not really heard from them since. (that is a whole other problem and a whole other blog!!!) But, it is one of the very few things Nathan and I agree on and work together on!!! YEAH!! Holly--as for doing things with the kids, we do that all the time, and generally do ok. You said yourself when you were here that we hide it well. That is our, or at least my, goal. My number one priority is for the kids to have a happy home. And when my son tells me that this feels like heaven to him, I know I am doing ok. Little do they know, it is only on the surface, but I know they will learn it soon enough. It's interesting, but here's a thought I have, or more of an observation. Some days I fake it better than others, and sometimes I let my guard down, and my true feelings come to the surface. For example, sometimes I can nod and smile to Nathan at all the right times, and feign interest at the latest Star Wars book he is into. Other times I don't, because truth be known, I really do not care! On days where I fake it, the kids are great! They treat each other better, and listen to me better. They are almost perfect little people! On the days I don't fake it with Nathan, they are HORRIBLE! It's like a direct result of how I am with Nathan! This is really what I have noticed, and I wish it weren't that way, but it is! So, because of that, I try SO HARD to like Nathan, so the kids are better. Sometimes it gets hard, but I feel like I need to do it to have happy kids. I know I sound so mean, like I do not care about Nathan, but I am at a loss here. I do care about him, we are just so distant. I do feel closer to all my friends than I do to him, because all he wants to ever talk about is people we know, current affairs, or the latest sci fi book he's reading. That is fine for a while, but I am longing for something deeper than that. I am not kidding when I say, those are pretty much the things he is always wanting to talk about. Oh- and the kids, of course! :) I feel like part of me is withering away, slowly dying, and I hate it! I feel like if I did not have my friends to talk to about other things, deeper, more meaningful things, I would suffocate, in a way. I want that, have always wanted that with Nathan, and still do, but I have to realize that it just might not ever happen. And if it doesn't, am I willing to sacrifice my happiness for the kids'? The answer is probably yes, because I have been up to this point. Don't get me wrong, he is a good guy, with a lot of good qualities, and he is a great father. I know I should just shut up, and be happy with him. He does not mis-treat us and he loves us. I know--what is wrong with me? Trust me, I have asked myself that many times!! Maybe I need medicated! I guess I will just keep praying and trudging along! What else can I do, right? I know Holly, you suggested doing things together, just us. I guess, first, I have to have the desire to want to do something with him!! See, something is wrong with me. Nathan deserves much better than what I am giving him!! Sorry about the crazy rambling! Boy, if I have any friends left after this, I will be surprised--you all knew I was crazy, right?

Confused...part 2

Something I forgot to mention about Nathan's days off. He usually sleeps in, and that makes it easier sometimes. Like right now it is 1:00 pm on Saturday, and he is still asleep. This is typical on his days off. He used to do it on Sundays as well, until people started wondering if he was sick, then he stopped. Anyway, I used to be annoyed as heck, now I am just used to it, and so are the kids, unfortunately. We just go about our day, and when he wakes up, he can join us if he wants to.

Confused

Yes, I know it's been a long time. Forgive me. I just feel like this blog is for my venting, and my thoughts can get pretty negative, and who wants to read a bunch of negative crap? Ok, well, here goes. I am confused because Nathan has the weekend off (like always) plus he took Mon and Tues off and I do not like it!! I feel like we barely make it through the weekends as it is without killing each other, that I do not know how I am going to survive 4 whole days!! I normally can not wait until Monday comes, and he goes back to work. I know I am an awful person for feeling like this, and I do not want to feel this way, but that is something I can't really change (how do you change your feelings???). I am trying! Saturdays we (or I) try to keep really busy and there is usually an opportunity to serve someone, somewhere , so I usually jump on that! (good example for the kids, you know). Sundays, I am grateful for three hours of church, and then every other Sunday Nathan has home teaching and is normally gone several hours. On the Sundays he is home, we usually take turns taking naps, and/or have someone over for dinner, so I it works out ok. I am confused because I try to avoid a lot of alone time with my husband and I am not sure why. I guess I feel that it is easier so that we do not get into an argument. I do not know how I am going to make it through four days instead of two!!! HELP!! And now you all know what a horrible person I am! (I have known for a while, now all of you can too!!)

Grateful

I have decided that I am grateful for a couple of things. First of all, I am very grateful for children who feel like they can speak their mind. I love it and pride myself on treating these little people with respect. Case in point; at breakfast one morning. Connor: "Mommy, are you a bit cranky? I don't mean to be mean, or anything, but it just seems that you are a little bit crabby. Are you?" Me: "Hmm, I think you're right. Sorry about that, I will try to watch it." I love that he is comfortable enough to put me in my place. Sounds like I needed it! Truth be told, I am always cranky while waking up...not a morning person. Also, I am extremely grateful for Megan and Tom. They are my friends that just left last week so Tom could start his podiatry rotations. I didn't really get to know them until this past winter, but they have made a profound impact on my life.I am grateful that Megan was listening to the promptings she felt to call me and ask me if I needed anything. Of course, my first response, or thought was , is she crazy, she is way too super busy to want to hear my problems. (and I also thought she was to cool, way out of my league :) ) But then she told me how she had been feeling for a few days, like she needed to call me, and couldn't ignore it. So, I hesitated, but gradually opened up to her. Quite honestly, I did need her at that time, I just didn't know it. But, Heavenly Father knew it, so He told her, and she listened. Tom and Megan helped me through a very low, sad, pathetic time in my life, and I hate to think where I would be without them. I will forever be grateful for them, for their love and support, for opening themselves up to me, and for not ignoring that still small voice. About a month before they left, I didn't know if I would be ok without them, but as time got closer, I knew everything would be alright. Megan, thank you for everything.

Confession

So, I think I have decided what I want my blog to be. First of all, I only want those whom I have invited to read this. Please do not tell friends of ours, "oh, hey, check out Lisa's blog!" 'Cause it's personal and private! Only if I have asked you to check it out are you welcome to do so. Thanks, my dear friends! Well, here goes. I am just going to do this like a band-aid and rip it off. I weigh 200 lbs!! That's right, I said 200! You may be saying to yourself, so, who cares? That is not that big of a deal. To those of you who are my skinny friends, and you know who you are, I love you, but when you did not even get close to that weight being pregnant even, then I rest my case.
I am posting this because I am disgusted and disappointed in myself. After kids, (cause, let's face it, we ain't ever going to be the same as we were before!) my lowest size was 14 (I don't remember the weight), and the largest I got was 220 lbs and a size 20. I am currently a size 18. I swore I would never get to a 20 again. I know that those of you that see me every day are thinking, "she does not look that big to me". I get that a lot. Trust me, I am. I just know how to dress to hide it. When you've been bigger most of your life, you learn how to dress NOT to accentuate it. I am really good at exercising. On the days I do not go to the YMCA, I walk two miles. Yes, that includes Sundays, because desperate times call for desperate measures. Also, the walks happen to relax me, which is a good thing. I really do like to exercise, and wish I had more time for it. It's the eating that is a BIG problem. I LOVE anything sweet and I do not take the time to prepare for myself healthy meals. The rest of the family, I make sure, eats well, just not me. I feel like I am constantly failing at something that I am constantly trying to overcome. So, my friends, I am not sure why I posted this, but if you want to hear more about this, then you'll come back. If you don't, then you won't. My blog is all for me, so there won't be details of day to day things I am doing with my children. You all know that I play with them, take them to the park, zoo, pool, science center, etc, just like all of you. You know I love them dearly, just like all of you do yours, so this is NOT that type of blog.

What do I do?

So, everyone, I have finally done it. I jumped on the blogging bandwagon. Are you all satisfied? You all said I should do it, so here goes. I have a really slow, crappy computer, so I do not know how much I'll be able to blog, or get pictures up, but hey, at least I'm doing it! It might take me a while to think of something interesting to say, so bear with me. I do not know what you people want to hear, or read. If none of you read it, I am going to stop doing it, so enjoy!! I am done for now! I promise, it will get better!