Random Ramblings

Ok, here's the thing. Lisa--I appreciate your suggestion about taking the kids to my parents, but they are currently not talking to me,(my parents, not my kids ;) ) so that won't work. Long story short, about a month ago, I had asked them to please respect us as Connor and Briana's parents, and I have not really heard from them since. (that is a whole other problem and a whole other blog!!!) But, it is one of the very few things Nathan and I agree on and work together on!!! YEAH!! Holly--as for doing things with the kids, we do that all the time, and generally do ok. You said yourself when you were here that we hide it well. That is our, or at least my, goal. My number one priority is for the kids to have a happy home. And when my son tells me that this feels like heaven to him, I know I am doing ok. Little do they know, it is only on the surface, but I know they will learn it soon enough. It's interesting, but here's a thought I have, or more of an observation. Some days I fake it better than others, and sometimes I let my guard down, and my true feelings come to the surface. For example, sometimes I can nod and smile to Nathan at all the right times, and feign interest at the latest Star Wars book he is into. Other times I don't, because truth be known, I really do not care! On days where I fake it, the kids are great! They treat each other better, and listen to me better. They are almost perfect little people! On the days I don't fake it with Nathan, they are HORRIBLE! It's like a direct result of how I am with Nathan! This is really what I have noticed, and I wish it weren't that way, but it is! So, because of that, I try SO HARD to like Nathan, so the kids are better. Sometimes it gets hard, but I feel like I need to do it to have happy kids. I know I sound so mean, like I do not care about Nathan, but I am at a loss here. I do care about him, we are just so distant. I do feel closer to all my friends than I do to him, because all he wants to ever talk about is people we know, current affairs, or the latest sci fi book he's reading. That is fine for a while, but I am longing for something deeper than that. I am not kidding when I say, those are pretty much the things he is always wanting to talk about. Oh- and the kids, of course! :) I feel like part of me is withering away, slowly dying, and I hate it! I feel like if I did not have my friends to talk to about other things, deeper, more meaningful things, I would suffocate, in a way. I want that, have always wanted that with Nathan, and still do, but I have to realize that it just might not ever happen. And if it doesn't, am I willing to sacrifice my happiness for the kids'? The answer is probably yes, because I have been up to this point. Don't get me wrong, he is a good guy, with a lot of good qualities, and he is a great father. I know I should just shut up, and be happy with him. He does not mis-treat us and he loves us. I know--what is wrong with me? Trust me, I have asked myself that many times!! Maybe I need medicated! I guess I will just keep praying and trudging along! What else can I do, right? I know Holly, you suggested doing things together, just us. I guess, first, I have to have the desire to want to do something with him!! See, something is wrong with me. Nathan deserves much better than what I am giving him!! Sorry about the crazy rambling! Boy, if I have any friends left after this, I will be surprised--you all knew I was crazy, right?